This post is actually going to be very difficult for me to write. You see, it’s about my faith. Something I found very easy to write about or talk about, I find difficult. For many reasons, but partly because it’s something that I am struggling with and have for a long time now.
I can’t even pinpoint a time or place where the struggle began but at this point, it doesn’t matter.
This season of my life has been very long.
I went to church this past Sunday and it was good to be there but as I sat there listening to the sermon I felt all sorts of things going on but mainly feelings of anger.
This is my struggle.
I am just angry.
And how can I love Jesus and be angry all of the time?
And what is it that I am angry about?
How come I can’t let it go?
I think sometimes we can end up angry at the world and not even know it. You become desensitized by everything around you and you become this robot of reactions and responses that your mind and body have memorized.
That sentence felt weird to type out.
Nearly my entire life has been surrounded by something that had to do with my faith. If the doors were open, I was there. Missions trips. Sunday school with the kiddo’s. It seems different now. We did have some things that happened at our church a while back that in the end, I just felt so burned out and churched out. I kept asking myself, “what’s the point anymore?” As Christians, we can forget the “good news”. The news of Jesus and the fact that He died for our sins so that we can be with our Creator. Forever.
He also died so that our lives here can be more abundant.
Please bare with me.
When I got home from church Sunday, I text a friend of mine and this is what it said….
I am not sure where to begin this but as I sat in church this morning, I felt so much anger. Mainly at how my life has turned out. I really did think that my life would look differently than it does and I guess I’m pretty angry about it.
I’m not married.
I’ll never have children.
I don’t even have a significant other.
I know this is why I come on so strong to men when they show an interest.
I’m not living right and I know it.
The thing that scares me the most is that I feel indifferent about it.
Indifferent about church.
Indifferent about telling others about Him.
About reading His word
I love Jesus and I know He died for me but what I bring to the table, my family, to church, to Sunday school, to anything is false and frankly, I’m tired of pretending. I feel alone and cant make people understand where I’m coming from.
I just feel so fake.
And I am just so tired of it.
It’s really hard to make someone understand where you are coming from when these things are going through your head. Especially when someone comes to you out of love. I know they love me and out of that love they encourage me but most of the time, I just feel judged. I was speaking to a gentleman Sunday that I have so much respect for as a man of God and the entire time I was thinking in my head…. “you’re judging me”…..”Mr. Judgy pants”. Knowing that this person would never do that!
If I can’t bring my very best to Him and it’s not sincere, then I don’t want to pretend that it is.
Still with me?
I hope so.
I feel that my heart is too dirty to even bring to Him and His throne. I have allowed satan to use my insecurities and fears and manipulate my thoughts. But hear me out. It’s not like I got up one day and was like…”oh I think I’ll be indifferent about my relationship with Jesus. In fact, I’m just going to live like I want to.” It’s not something that happens overnight.
As Casting Crowns sings, “It’s a Slow Fade”
Oh how I want to be the way that I was. Excited to be in church. Around my brothers and sisters. Worshiping together. Wanting to go on mission trips. Serving in my church.
But it’s not that way right now.
I’m just at a loss. I know where to go and what to do but I have forgotten how to get there. I feel like something has been taken away or removed and don’t know how to get it back.
I have things in my life that excite me but the one excitement I truly miss and want is gone. I have interests and hobbies but they can never bring me true happiness.
Can I ever be content with how my life is at this very moment?
My goal with this post is really just to be honest with myself and put it out there.
I hope you hung in there with me :)
**Things are better. I am reading in the morning before work and that is helping**