So this is going to be another one of those hard posts and frankly I feel very vulnerable in doing so but I also think it’s important to talk about the hard stuff. I went to church yesterday with my family and it was good to be there. I sat up in the control box with my brother because I think he is cool.
So lets get to the hard stuff.
As you read this, please keep in mind that I am not diagnosing myself with anything or am I advising you on each of these topics. This is mainly to just express the fact that there are things I think we can do to ourselves without even thinking about it or evening thinking that we are self-harming ourselves.
Please bear with me.
As I look back over my life and in thinking about the things that I struggle with, I have realized there are particular things that I do to deal.
Lets get started.
1. Let’s go ahead and get the ugly one out of the way shall we? Sex. In nearly every relationship that I have been in, I have used this to fill a void that I was missing. When that person began to pull away or not want to be with me anymore, I would end up degrading myself by using sex to keep that person. To feel something. Surely if they do this with me, they love me right? Wrong. Something that used to be so sacred to me I have just thrown away on men who really didn’t deserve it. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t had that many partners but one is enough when it comes to this. Even the most recent man that I was seeing I used this. Somehow you don’t even think about it, you just do it. You want so badly for that person to love you that you compromise everything that you value. Even yourself. You desperately want to be touched that you settle for something dirty. I lost my virginity when I was 30 and even as I type that out, it sounds very immature. I have experienced all of my “firsts” as an adult. I have treated something so beautiful horribly and made it trash. And shall I say that most men (not all) are willing participants.
Not only does this harm me physically but spiritually. I carry this around with me everyday like a backpack filled with rocks. Heavy ones. Everyday.
2. Food. Something that I know most people can relate to…….. over-eating. When things in my life feel very out of control, I can always control food. Happy, eat. Bored, eat. Stressed, eat. Depressed, eat. Feel alone, eat. Lonely, eat. All of which can result in weight-gain, depression, fatigue, and illness. For me, when this takes place, my body tends to crave the bad stuff and then it becomes this endless cycle of eating junk and nothing healthy.
3. Exercising. I can remember when I discovered the fact that I loved to workout. There is something about the way you feel when you are finished that is so great! But I have also been known to do too much. As I age, I have noticed that I am more apt to get an injury or jacked muscle when it comes to working out, especially when my diet is off.
4. Spending. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would struggle with money. I don’t have bad credit or anything but man there have been many times that I have purchased something that I really didn’t need only to feel so much guilt and shame over it later.
5. Interfering with healing. Sadly this one is more embarrassing to me than the whole sex thing. If I have a sore, especially a small one, I will pick it to death. Sounds weird I know, but it’s the truth. There is something that actually happens when I do it. I feel something. A release of sorts. Sounds even weirder I know. I have had a place that has been on my body since last March because I won’t leave it alone. Time and time again I’ll go to it out of habit and just pick. It’s embarrassing and gross and frankly something I didn’t think that I would even admit or tell someone about.
Here is the definition of self-harm:
The act of hurting one self deliberately. Causing harm or to injure.
There you have it.
I didn’t share these things to make you look at me differently nor did I share them because I love to share. I think that we are so afraid to share the ugly, hard stuff that we hold all of this inside and let me tell ya, it has to come out somehow, someway. All of these things, in some way, has damaged me and most importantly damaged my relationship with Christ.
Because my relationship with Him isn’t right, I have allowed these things to run my life.
This past Sunday I walked away from the sermon with this. Repent.
The conversation with my brother. Repent.
To be able to move forward and let go of these things, I must seek forgiveness.
I must also forgive myself.
Emma makes me smile.
It’s my birthday today and I am officially in the 40 club. :)
But as I end this post, I feel very thankful.
Thankful for my family and thankful for you.
But most of all, thankful for God’s unending love, mercy and grace.