First let me start by saying…… Happy New Year!!!
How did you guys bring in the new year?? I ended up coming home from work, having dinner, getting into my lounge pants and pretty much crashing like an old lady. My sweetie called at about 9:00 to go ahead and tell me Happy New Year because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to call later. After I got off the phone with him, I went back to sleep looking at my Christmas tree.
I hope that you guys are having a really good day no matter where you are at. It’s beautiful here in Arkansas today and I have already been out enjoying the sun. I wanted to stay on my normal routine so I got up at 5:15 and started my day. I enjoyed two cups of coffee and took two assessment tests this morning…
I just got back from a really great walk and seem to really enjoy walking more so than running lately. Don’t get me wrong I love running, but there is something about walking and the time that it gives you to think about things and to spend time with God.
I really really can’t wait to see what 2014 holds. There have been so many changes in my life this past year that have changed me that I am excited to see what that preparation was for. When God changes us, I believe that He uses hard circumstances to do so. Not all of the time, but some. How else are we to depend completely upon Him if we don’t go through things that brings us closer to Him. Make sense?
I will be the first to tell you that this past year looked nothing like I expected it to. Some things I wish that I can go back and make different decisions so that the outcome of things would be different, but I am happy with how things have turned out. Oh my goodness there were things that I thought about that would probably scare you! You see, I found myself really depressed in 2013. I never really thought about causing harm to myself, but there were moments that I just wanted the hurt and pain to just end. End. Stop. Cease.
There were moments I know that my parents were probably not sure what to do with me. Still don’t . I took spur of the moment trips just to see them because I just had to be near someone that loved me. To tell me that things would be alright…..better. Of course they told me that, but my heart and mind were just to cluttered with self loathing thoughts to even consider being happy or at peace.
There were even days that I couldn’t even get out of bed. I just felt sick. Weak. Horrible. My whole body just revolted at the idea of even functioning and wanting to get up. I can remember a day where the only thing that I had to eat was a slice of pumpkin bread. (this was a while back). It was all that my stomach could hold. All it could take in. The taste of water even made me sick to my stomach and I love water.
I felt so fake. Even here. A place that I could come and journal and speak about things going on in my life. I suddenly felt like a huge phony. Like I was putting up this front just so that I wouldn’t disappoint anyone or make people ask questions. Here’s the thing. They asked them anyway. I distanced myself from church because I was frankly tired of having my family look at me as if someone died. Because inside, I felt like I was. The turmoil in my heart was so massive I just can’t even put it into words.
Part of the frustration that I was experiencing was that I am a child of a Savior that can hold the entire world in the palm of His hand. He was thinking about me even before the foundations of the earth and yet here I was thinking that I wasn’t worth anything. Nothing.
Oh my goodness there were nights that I simply just cried myself to sleep. I’m not talking about just a simple little cry. I am talking about the ones where you end up in the toilet because you just made yourself sick. The kind where you just feel like your head is going to explode. And I wished that it would have.
My natural instinct is to run to someone who will comfort me with words and tell me to hang in there, but this time it was different. I felt that I couldn’t turn to anyone because they just wouldn’t understand. Understand that I just felt lost. Alone. Lonely. Ugly. Worthless. Angry.
Oh yes…..all of them!
I still struggle with angry thoughts and outbursts.
Everything that I loved just didn’t mean anything to me anymore. I stopped working out because it just didn’t bring me joy anymore. Reading seemed like a waste of time to me. Talking to friends took effort and frankly I just didn’t want to answer questions or lie. Lie and say..”oh I’m fine”. Because I wasn’t. I just wasn’t.
But I have surrounded myself with a loving family and friends and I know that they knew I was not ok and that things were not fine.
It’s part of the reason that I took such a long break from this place. I felt like I couldn’t even be myself here. That I had to sensor myself.
As long as this has been, I am coming to a point.
What are things like now? Better. I have changed though. I am still changing. You see, when we are His children he wants us to be the person that He has created us to be. How does He get us there?? He changes us. Sometimes from the ground up. The process is never ending and I am alright with that.
So so many times I have wanted to type this out and share this with you but wasn’t sure how it would be read. I do hope that it might reach someone that just might be experiencing the same things. It does get better. And please please please, don’t give up.
Things mend and you get stronger and you experience joy again.
Chocolate Peppermint spinach smoothie!
Two eggs with spinach and baby kale and one clementine for breakfast!
I am off today and I don’t have to be back to work until 2:00 tomorrow….. Not sure how I am going to spend the rest of the day but there’s a lot of beauty in that!
Question: How did you spend your New Years Eve? Low-key?