Goals and Such

As I get ready for the coming week, I wanted to share with you some of the things that I am going to be working on.  Goals.  Things I want to reach.

Something that I am trying to do or achieve.

 

Bible Reading:

First I wanted to share with you what I read this morning.  :) 

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The Job answered the LORD and said:  I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?  Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things top wonderful for me, which I did not know.  Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.  I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.

Job 42:1-6

I am in a season of moving forward and leaving behind past regrets and mistakes.  Something I think will be a beautiful journey, both difficult and beautiful. 

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One of the hardest things that a person let alone a women can learn about themselves, is that they don’t have it all together.  Especially in their walk with the LORD.  Even when you think you feel close to Him, you can always get closer.

Even when your time spent with Him is enough, you can always spend more time with Him.

I am at a crossroads in my walk with Him and because I am a completely different person I feel like I am starting over. 

Getting to know my Creator as I am now.  I must admit that as frightening and scary as it sounds, I feel excited.  Well, enough excitement that makes me want to go forward.  ;)

I believe and know that it will be a beautiful journey for me. 

 

Fitness:

As you know I started using the Insanity Max :30 workouts and I have been loving them!  Well, my body hasn’t.  Let me explain. 

When you start a fitness program, you must get the proper equipment and you must master proper form. 

Neither of which I had.

I hurt myself.

More specifically, my back.

My lower back down to my left hip.

I was not pleased at all.

I even eventually had to go to the doctor and get a shot in my backside. 

I couldn’t even make it to work due to the fact that I couldn’t even set up straight!

I was slightly embarrassed.

Anyway, I haven’t worked out since last Saturday and I feel horrible!

The unfortunate thing that they do at the doctors office is weigh you and I found out that I weigh 182 pounds.  What?!?  Over the last year, I have put on 25 pounds and I would like to lose 30.  My BMI is 31% and knowing that made my eyes bug out! 

I feel my best at 150 pounds and with a BMI of 27-28.  Still not perfect in the worlds eyes, but it suits me just fine. 

What does this mean?

It means goals that what it means.

 

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It also means that I ordered the proper gear for my workouts.  Shoes.

I will be sticking to the modification until I master each move.

I will be sticking to a “whole 30ish” type of eating.  Mostly of protein and no processed foods.

I will do my very best.

 

Lately:

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It snowed.  A lot.

 

I also had a Saturday date…….with myself.

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Whole Foods, Barnes and Noble, and new books.

Love Does by Bob Goff

You’re Already Amazing by Holley Gerth

Both of which you should check out!

I also have the book It Was Me All Along by Andie Mitchell.  This book is amazing!! 

 

 

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My Nanny :)

Catching Up.

As I type this up it’s raining outside.  You know, that cold rain.  It’s supposed to turn into freezing rain and snow later on tonight but we’ll see. 

 

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It’s been a bit since we last spoke but one of the most difficult things I find about blogging is that I spend the entire day a work on a computer and sometimes getting on one when I am home is preeeeetty difficult. 

However, blogging is one of my favorite things to do.  I love sharing my life and I love reading about others and and learning from them.  I shamefully admit that I am probably addicted to Instagram.  ;)  But I guess there are worse things to be addicted to.

 

Today is Sunday and today is also my rest day.  I went to church this morning with my dad and was able to use my brand new bible!  Yesterday I went up to Little Rock to Barns and Noble with my sister-n-law Lynn and my niece and nephew and just had a wonderful time!  I think that I could spend all day in a place like that!  We had Chinese for lunch and then headed home in the rain. 

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I stayed up in the sounds booth with my brother this morning to keep him awake.  He had taken some medicine for his sinus’s and it was making him a bit sleepy.  Sister can get away with thumping their brothers in the ear if need be.  :)

 

I spent Valentine’s Day with my niece…..

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We went to get some yogurt at a nearby yogurt place…… We had the place all to ourselves at first but by the time we were leaving, it had started to get busy. 

 

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I started doing the Insanity Max :30 a couple of weeks ago and I love it!

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Crazy eyes!

 

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You know, when I first thought about doing this workout, I thought there is just no way that I can do it!  I am too big of a girl to be jumpin’ around and throwing my body all over the place.  I mean dang…….I am 40! 

And then I thought, “excuses”……. Just plain ole excuses!  I will never know unless I try it and if I don’t try it, I’ll never get to a place that says, “I can do this!”

Here’s the thing.  I surprised myself.  You don’t have to already be fit to try something like this and the passion that ShaunT has about helping others achieve their goals just comes off of your TV! 

I didn’t think that I could do it, but now I know that I can.

 

Guess what?!?

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This happened.

We have a new Whole Foods Market!!!  The other store was smaller and a bit cramped but this one is huge!  I mean when you walk in it’s just a beautiful sight!

 

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I am still working on balance in my diet and trying to eliminate the bad stuff….

 

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Lastly, here are some pictures of the furbabies….

 

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Emma and Sophie with some crazy eyes for cheese!

 

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I was happy for the weekend. 

Happy to be around family.

Happy for cuddle time with the furbabies on a cold day.

Happy to be in church.

Happy to have a new bible.

 

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I think I will have a cup of hot tea now…. :)  And maybe some dark chocolate. 

40 Plus One Day

My sweet friends :) 

 

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40 years young plus one day doesn’t feel so bad :)

Not that everyone has to have their birthday off, I sure am glad that I did. 

 

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birthday pizza and cheesecake!

 

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Can you even stand it???  Spending my birthday with my family was the best thing ever but most of all spending it with this little girl was too!

 

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She stayed by me pretty much all day but I didn’t mind it at all…  :)

 

Yesterday I kept my dad pretty busy by rearranging my room a bit…

 

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Oh the struggle is real people!!

 

If you know me, then you know I like things to be clean and in order.  My niece asked me one day…..”is cleaning your favorite thing to do?”  lol….. Some think that it is… :)

I find it funny that others don’t like to clean!  lol!

It’s actually not my favorite thing to do but I do like things to be clean.  There is a difference.

Because I spend most of my time in my room….working out, sleeping, watching tv, reading…etc.  I like my space to be neat and clean.  Is it always?  Uh, no. 

It’s my domain.

It’s my space.

It’s my gym.

It’s my church.

It’s my pity party room.

It’s my dance fever party place.

It’s my cuddle place with my fur-babies.

It’s my sleepover room with my niece and nephew and there is always a Scooby-doo movie involved or the movie Annie.

It’s my happy place….which means….

It’s my sad place.

 

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It was such a beautiful day yesterday!  The weather was AMAZING!

 

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So this happened Monday or was it Tuesday?

Plantain tortillas.

Um, I don’t think the plantains were ripe enough because they were NOT good.

Here is the recipe that I used:

  • 2 plantains (large)
  • 3 tbsp of coconut oil (melted)
  • pinch of salt
  • 2 egg whites

I am not sure if maybe there were too many of the other ingredients or the fact that the plantains were not ripe enough but yack.

I will be attempting this recipe again.

Any suggestions that I might try or change???

 

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Currently binging on the above.

Just three more seasons to go!! 

 

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L.O.V.E this song!!

 

I hope you had an amazing day!! 

Self Harm

So this is going to be another one of those hard posts and frankly I feel very vulnerable in doing so but I also think it’s important to talk about the hard stuff.  I went to church yesterday with my family and it was good to be there.  I sat up in the control box with my brother because I think he is cool.

 

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So lets get to the hard stuff. 

Self Harm.

As you read this, please keep in mind that I am not diagnosing myself with anything or am I advising you on each of these topics.  This is mainly to just express the fact that there are things I think we can do to ourselves without even thinking about it or evening thinking that we are self-harming ourselves.

Please bear with me. 

As I look back over my life and in thinking about the things that I struggle with, I have realized there are particular things that I do to deal.

Lets get started.

 

1.  Let’s go ahead and get the ugly one out of the way shall we?  Sex.  In nearly every relationship that I have been in, I have used this to fill a void that I was missing.  When that person began to pull away or not want to be with me anymore, I would end up degrading myself by using sex to keep that person.  To feel something.  Surely if they do this with me, they love me right?  Wrong.  Something that used to be so sacred to me I have just thrown away on men who really didn’t deserve it.  Don’t get me wrong I haven’t had that many partners but one is enough when it comes to this.  Even the most recent man that I was seeing I used this. Somehow you don’t even think about it, you just do it.  You want so badly for that person to love you that you compromise everything that you value.  Even yourself.  You desperately want to be touched that you settle for something dirty.  I lost my virginity when I was 30 and even as I type that out, it sounds very immature. I have experienced all of my “firsts” as an adult.  I have treated something so beautiful horribly and made it trash. And shall I say that most men (not all) are willing participants.

Not only does this harm me physically but spiritually.  I carry this around with me everyday like a backpack filled with rocks.  Heavy ones.  Everyday. 

 

2.  Food.  Something that I know most people can relate to…….. over-eating.  When things in my life feel very out of control, I can always control food.  Happy, eat.  Bored, eat.  Stressed, eat.  Depressed, eat.  Feel alone, eat.  Lonely, eat.  All of which can result in weight-gain, depression, fatigue, and illness. For me, when this takes place, my body tends to crave the bad stuff and then it becomes this endless cycle of eating junk and nothing healthy.  

 

3.  Exercising.  I can remember when I discovered the fact that I loved to workout.  There is something about the way you feel when you are finished that is so great!  But I have also been known to do too much.  As I age, I have noticed that I am more apt to get an injury or jacked muscle when it comes to working out,  especially when my diet is off. 

 

4.  Spending.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would struggle with money.  I don’t have bad credit or anything but man there have been many times that I have purchased something that I really didn’t need only to feel so much guilt and shame over it later. 

 

5.  Interfering with healing.  Sadly this one is more embarrassing to me than the whole sex thing.  If I have a sore, especially a small one, I will pick it to death.  Sounds weird I know, but it’s the truth.  There is something that actually happens when I do it.  I feel something.   A release of sorts.  Sounds even weirder I know.  I have had a place that has been on my body since last March because I won’t leave it alone. Time and time again I’ll go to it out of habit and just pick.  It’s embarrassing and gross and frankly something I didn’t think that I would even admit or tell someone about. 

 

Here is the definition of self-harm:

The act of hurting one self deliberately.  Causing harm or to injure. 

Intentional

Wounding

Impulsive

Punishment

 

There you have it.

I didn’t share these things to make you look at me differently nor did I share them because I love to share.  I think that we are so afraid to share the ugly, hard stuff that we hold all of this inside and let me tell ya, it has to come out somehow, someway.  All of these things, in some way, has damaged me and most importantly damaged my relationship with Christ. 

Because my relationship with Him isn’t right, I have allowed these things to run my life. 

 

This past Sunday I walked away from the sermon with this.  Repent. 

The conversation with my brother.  Repent.

To be able to move forward and let go of these things, I must seek forgiveness. 

I must also forgive myself.

 

 

 

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Emma makes me smile.

 

It’s my birthday today and I am officially in the 40 club.  :)

But as I end this post, I feel very thankful. 

Thankful for my family and thankful for you.

But most of all, thankful for God’s unending love, mercy and grace.

 

:)

Does this look stupid?

So lately I have been asking, “does this look stupid?”  Mainly when it comes to the clothes that I am wearing.  You dig through your closet to find something to wear and you end up throwing something together that might not even match.  Then come the dreaded words out of your mouth that you have been thinking….. Does this look stupid?

 

Why do we ask such things?  And what does that say about us? 

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What we are wearing may not match, but it certainly doesn’t warrant the word stupid

I looked up the definition of stupid and here is what I came up with:

 

Lacking intelligence or common sense.  Ignorant.  Dense.  Foolish.  Dull-witted.  Slow. 

 

Oh I could go on with some of the things that are out there!!

 

Here’s the thing….

I don’t like the word stupid.  It’s a negative word.  When most people use it, we are tearing down not building up and I really don’t like the fact that I have used that word a lot lately. 

So!  No more stupid comments!! 

 

How about a photo dump!?!

 

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There you have it!!  

The Struggle

This post is actually going to be very difficult for me to write.  You see, it’s about my faith.  Something I found very easy to write about or talk about, I find difficult.  For many reasons, but partly because it’s something that I am struggling with and have for a long time now.

I can’t even pinpoint a time or place where the struggle began but at this point, it doesn’t matter. 

This season of my life has been very long. 

Very long.

I went to church this past Sunday and it was good to be there but as I sat there listening to the sermon I felt all sorts of things going on but mainly feelings of anger. 

This is my struggle.

I am just angry.

And how can I love Jesus and be angry all of the time?

And what is it that I am angry about?

How come I can’t let it go?

 

I think sometimes we can end up angry at the world and not even know it.  You become desensitized by everything around you and you become this robot of reactions and responses that your mind and body have memorized. 

That sentence felt weird to type out.

Nearly my entire life has been surrounded by something that had to do with my faith.  If the doors were open, I was there.  Missions trips.  Sunday school with the kiddo’s.  It seems different now.  We did have some things that happened at our church a while back that in the end, I just felt so burned out and churched out.  I kept asking myself, “what’s the point anymore?”  As Christians, we can forget the “good news”.  The news of Jesus and the fact that He died for our sins so that we can be with our Creator.  Forever.

He also died so that our lives here can be more abundant. 

 

Please bare with me.

 

When I got home from church Sunday, I text a friend of mine and this is what it said….

I am not sure where to begin this but as I sat in church this morning, I felt so much anger.  Mainly at how my life has turned out.  I really did think that my life would look differently than it does and I guess I’m pretty angry about it. 

I’m not married.

I’ll never have children.

I don’t even have a significant other.

I know this is why I come on so strong to men when they show an interest.

I’m not living right and I know it.

The thing that scares me the most is that I feel indifferent about it.

Indifferent about church.

Indifferent about telling others about Him.

About praying

About reading His word

I love Jesus and I know He died for me but what I bring to the table, my family, to church, to Sunday school, to anything is false and frankly, I’m tired of pretending.  I feel alone and cant make people understand where I’m coming from. 

I just feel so fake.

False.

Insincere.

And I am just so tired of it.

 

It’s really hard to make someone understand where you are coming from when these things are going through your head.  Especially when someone comes to you out of love.  I know they love me and out of that love they encourage me but most of the time, I just feel judged.  I was speaking to a gentleman Sunday that I have so much respect for as a man of God and the entire time I was thinking in my head…. “you’re judging me”…..”Mr. Judgy pants”.  Knowing that this person would never do that! 

If I can’t bring my very best to Him and it’s not sincere, then I don’t want to pretend that it is. 

 

Still with me? 

I hope so.

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I feel that my heart is too dirty to even bring to Him and His throne.  I have allowed satan to use my insecurities and fears and manipulate my thoughts.  But hear me out.  It’s not like I got up one day and was like…”oh I think I’ll be indifferent about my relationship with Jesus.  In fact, I’m just going to live like I want to.”  It’s not something that happens overnight. 

As Casting Crowns sings, “It’s a Slow Fade”

 

Oh how I want to be the way that I was.  Excited to be in church.  Around my brothers and sisters.  Worshiping together.  Wanting to go on mission trips.  Serving in my church.

But it’s not that way right now. 

 

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I’m just at a loss.  I know where to go and what to do but I have forgotten how to get there.  I feel like something has been taken away or removed and don’t know how to get it back.

I have things in my life that excite me but the one excitement I truly miss and want is gone.  I have interests and hobbies but they can never bring me true happiness.

Can I ever be content with how my life is at this very moment? 

 

My goal with this post is really just to be honest with myself and put it out there. 

 

I hope you hung in there with me :)

 

**Things are better.  I am reading in the morning before work and that is helping**

Happy New Year-plus one!!

Well I don’t know about you but I had the best New Years Day! I was able to spend it with this amazing little girl!

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The night before she had spent the night with a little friend and they went to Build-A-Bear to pick up “Annie”  ;)

 

Our first stop was to get our toes done up for the New Year!!

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Erin’s toes are on the top and mine are on the bottom :)

I always enjoy a good pedicure and I especially enjoyed getting one with my niece but dang that water was cold!  And so were his hands!  This pedicure came with a scrub and my niece and I both agree we could have done without that especially since it was so stinkin cold!

Whew!

 

Our second stop of course was at Starbucks to get some hot chocolate and coffee.

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Erin got a chocolate cake pop….. she said, “I believe I’ll try the vanilla next time.”  lol

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Did I mention that it rained us the whole time?  It did.  And it was cold!

After we left Starbucks, we headed to Target so the birthday girl could pick out an outfit.

Jeans and a sweater!  No picture…..I don’t know what I was thinking!

By now we were starting to get hungry so we went to have lunch and then headed toward home.

It was a good day!

 

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Injury:

I have been struggling with my shoulder for a while now.  I am not sure what happened or when it occurred but I have lots of little knots all around it and up my neck.  I can’t even rotate all the way to the left. 

What does this mean?

I can’t workout.

I had finally gotten into a routine again with my workouts and this happens.  I think however that whatever had happened, had not healed yet or properly.  This really frustrates me!  I want so bad to workout!! 

This is where I am going to take a breath and concentrate on my eating.  Working out isn’t a problem for me.  I love it……when my body can do it that is.  It’s my eating.  Everyone goes through seasons in their life that this can get off track so I am going to take full advantage of it.

 

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I need more of this!!

 

 

Question:  How do you handle injuries?