Faith Fitness and Laughter

Feelings of Good

on March 27, 2013

It’s another week.. Smile   It started like any other week.   I got up, had my quiet time, and then relished every savory moment with a cup of coffee.  I also do my normal blog reading in the mornings and I have read some great ones that really got me to thinking.  More specifically, Caitlin’s at Chasing Chels. 

 

Lately, I feel like this cloud has settled over my head and stayed there.  This past weekend it rained and stayed pretty much cold the entire time and when I started my Monday not even the bright sun could lift the cloud.  I tried to shake it, but no matter what I did it stayed.  Everyone’s journey is different and we experience different things that make us into the person that we are.  I have had some pretty crappy things happen to me in my lifetime, but my goal is to not stay there.  To not let it affect me in a way that cripples me from living.  A very long time ago I would have let it. 

Lately though, I feel those ugly insecurities creeping in.  Those old feelings of not feeling good enough. Not worthy enough.  That little voice that creeps into your thoughts and self doubt starts to sink in.  A lot of what it boils down to is control.  We can all deny it, but we do like to be in control of the things in our lives.  This is an impossible thing.  The one thing that I am in control of is how I react to things.  How I treat people.  Those things, I can control. 

 

Definition of insecure:   subject to fears; doubt; not self-confident or assured.  Uneasy, anxious.

 

These are things that I do not want to be, but let rule my life a very long time ago.  These last few months I have had some really great things happen to me.  I was given the opportunity to work with a great group of people.  I spent many many years being slightly unhappy with my work conditions.  Since November (I think), I have worked for the same company, but at a different location.  Yay!  This was such an amazing thing for me.  I really do enjoy going into work and working with the people that I am with. 

My personal life has also changed.  I had all but given up on finding someone and then Kevin entered my life.  Literally.  He just walked into where I work one day and the rest is history.  There are times I still have to pinch myself.  Winking smile  I love being in love.  The thought of living my life out with someone really does make me smile. 

 

Church.  There were times when I really wanted to give up on this.  The last few years at my church have been really difficult, but mainly because my relationship wasn’t really where it needed to be.  Now?  We have a new pastor and he is pretty great.  I also believe that our church is headed in the right direction to be unified once again.  It’s been neat to see.

 

With all of this goodness you would think that feeling a bit insecure wouldn’t happen.   It does.  Focusing on the good sounds easy, but then you hear those little voices you heard so long ago that whatever good is in your life you don’t deserve.  Which is silly really, but you hear them.  What’s really crappy is that the voice you are hearing is your own.  I feel it more so when it comes to Kevin.  He is the most amazing man that I have ever met and having him in my life has completely changed my outlook.   And then there is the voice. He deserves someone better.  Not you.  How could he love someone like you?  I fight against those words and want to just shake myself when I feel this way.  It’s be best feeling in the world when someone returns your love.  It really is.  Here’s the thing.  It’s not something that I have to earn.  Let me explain.  I don’t have to jump through hoops to earn Kevin’s love.  I don’t have to buy his love.  I don’t have to be a certain way for him to find worth in me.  I pray that when Kevin sees me and talks to me that he see Christ and that is what we build our relationship on.  This is the safe guard to fighting off those old feelings of not being good enough.  Because here’s the deal, I am good enough.  

 

Something-Good-in-Every-Day-Cute-Inspirational-QuoteTrue-Love-Quotes-True-love-doesnt-mean-being-inseparable-it-means-being-separated-and-nothing-changes

 

God’s really laid it upon my heart to read the book of Esther.  Noticed for her beauty, but remembered for her courage.  Reading this book had been really great the last couple of days… 

 

 

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Coffee!!

 

 

Braces:

 

Well, today is the big day.  I am going this morning to get some teeth pulled so that my braces can do their job!  I am a bit anxious, but mainly because I don’t like being put to sleep to do the surgery.   I am sure that I will close my eyes and then it will be time to go it will be that fast!   This is one of two things that I still have to get done before I can just do my regular orthodontics visits.  Yay! 

 

Anyway, I am off to get ready…  Have a great day!!  

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6 responses to “Feelings of Good

  1. chasingchels says:

    You are enough, love. More than enough right now 🙂 good luck with the teeth today!!! Thinking about you and here if you need anything!

  2. Brenda says:

    We are special in God’s eyes, so let us not forget that! Love you Brandi!

  3. Sorry for not getting to send support sooner.. I’ve had some heavy stuff going on over here on this end too :/ When I feel insecure like that, I think it helps to think of life as a whole big movie about you and God – and the people that are around you are all the supporting characters (I personally like to picture myself as Rachel McAdams haha).. that helps you not worry about not being good enough for other people, because I mean – you’re the rachel mcadams in this scenario, so there’s no way that’s possible! haha i don’t know if that just makes sense in my head, but hopefully it at least made u smile 🙂 …I’m glad you got to have orange serbert for dinner! hehe 🙂

  4. Those moments and days are tough Brandi, when we get caught up in those doubts and insecurities. I know what you mean about not feeling good enough sometimes. I figure most of us feel that way at least some of the time, and if we are all feeling that way, well what is ‘good enough’ then? We must all be it!

    • This is so true Kari. Last night, Kevin and I were able to talk about it and it felt really good to do that with him. We want to be able to talk about those kinds of things with each other and it really helped to tell him. 🙂

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