Faith Fitness and Laughter

Opening Up

on May 3, 2013

One of the hardest things that I find in maintaining a blog is sharing those intimate parts of our lives.  You know the ones…..the ugly ones.  The ones that we like to keep in the closet and no matter what never ever get them out.  The ones that we just know that if we share them or tell them to someone, they would forever look at you differently.  The ones that make us cry at night. The ones that, when you think there is no alternative, cause us to make rash decisions. 

You know the ones.


It’s a new month and everyone is setting goals.  I wanted to share some of mine with you….


May 2013 Goals


  1. Run everyday.  Even if it’s just for one mile. 
  2. Baking themed day.  I really want to have one day a week where I have a baking theme.  Like, Baking With Me Tuesdays!  Something like that.  Look for it in the coming week. 
  3. Find one thing that I like about myself everyday. 
  4. Really listen to my hunger cues. 
  5. Go to the Farmers Market


Simple really, but I am really okay with that. Smile


If I had to pinpoint a time in my life when I felt like I needed to be perfect, it would probably be when I made the decision to lose the weight.  That was in 2001.  I didn’t know it at the time, but during my journey I would develop unhealthy thought patterns.  Some I was able to let go of, but others just hung on and even evolved into bigger issues.  I could burry them for a time, but they would always rear their ugly heads from time to time.  Even now, I deal with them. 




Having the occasional negative thought I think is probably normal, but it’s what you do with that thought that is important.  




When I tell someone that I struggle with negative thinking, I get this strange look……really?   Yes, really.  The main reason that it’s difficult for me is that I have Christ in my heart and yet still think about myself in a negative way sometimes. 




I think that is why I like to laugh so much.  To hide the fact that I struggle on the inside….  I have so much compassion for people and just want to love on everyone that I see, but when I get run over my heart just crumbles.




How in the world do we get to a place where the negative thoughts we have about ourselves don’t totally consume us.  There are triggers that occur and bring them out, but a lot of times we burry them deep down.  You know the ones…. What I am going to share with you are really personal thoughts, but sharing them is a big deal and a big step for me. 


  • Sometimes I feel that I have to be perfect for someone to love me
  • I feel I have to earn someone’s love
  • If I have a goal and don’t reach it, I feel like a failure
  • When someone rejects me, I feel like a failure and I have to know the reasons why
  • My body image is very low and I feel like I have to be a certain size to be loved
  • I worry constantly about what I eat and if I eat something bad I feel very guilty
  • When I look at myself I don’t see what’s good but what I need to work on
  • I feel the need to clean all of the time and when things are not in their place it bothers me
  • If I am coached or someone points out something that I need to work on I have an overwhelming sense of not being good enough
  • When something bad happens, I play it over and over in my head.  Why did it change?  What happened?  Could I have done anything differently to change the outcome?
  • I feel the need to be moving all of the time.  It’s hard for me to relax
  • I never ask for help and if I ever do I feel guilty and like I am an inconvenience
  • I feel the need to apologize for things that are not my fault
  • I worry about what others think
  • If I have a relationship that ends, I always feel like I am the one at fault for it ending.  Like somehow I failed



It’s the ugly stuff that is hard for us to share.  To open up about.  I don’t think these thoughts all of the time, but they are the ones that I struggle with.  I’m almost terrified to hit the “publish” button because I feel that I will be judged. 



I am really glad that it’s Friday and I am off tomorrow…..I have a running date with a good friend and then we are going to enjoy some coffee.  We are also getting together for a cook out at one of our church members house….  Smile

Have a great weekend!


6 responses to “Opening Up

  1. Rusty says:

    You are so brave for revealing some of your innermost secrets. That alone shows how great you truly are. When I first met you 3 years ago I saw passion, dedication, love, and many other wonderful qualities. It did not take me long to see that you had some doubts about yourself, but I had trouble pinpointing the problem. Please forgive me for not being able to help you more. I see so much greatness in you. The road was never supposed to be easy but no one has to walk it alone. We may never overcome our insecurities, even as believers, but we can try to shape our responses to them. I think you are on the right path and I will continie to pray for you a.d cheer for you as I have done since the day I met you.

    • Thank you Brother… You really are a great teacher and I thank you so much for what you opened my eyes to while taking those classes. You are a great mentor…. Thank you for your kind words too. It’s been a struggle realizing some of these things and admitting it. I know the thoughts about myself are not of Him and I know that with Him I can get through this. Thank you again for being my teacher! 🙂

  2. Girl, I feel you on all this…it’s been hard for me to let go of my perfectionistic tendencies and I’m still working on it! Or working on not working on it and releasing those fears and worries to God.

  3. Perfectionism is a hard one to tackle but just acknowledging that we all make mistakes can sometimes soften that burden we put on ourselves.

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