Faith Fitness and Laughter

Self Harm

on January 27, 2015

So this is going to be another one of those hard posts and frankly I feel very vulnerable in doing so but I also think it’s important to talk about the hard stuff.  I went to church yesterday with my family and it was good to be there.  I sat up in the control box with my brother because I think he is cool.

 

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So lets get to the hard stuff. 

Self Harm.

As you read this, please keep in mind that I am not diagnosing myself with anything or am I advising you on each of these topics.  This is mainly to just express the fact that there are things I think we can do to ourselves without even thinking about it or evening thinking that we are self-harming ourselves.

Please bear with me. 

As I look back over my life and in thinking about the things that I struggle with, I have realized there are particular things that I do to deal.

Lets get started.

 

1.  Let’s go ahead and get the ugly one out of the way shall we?  Sex.  In nearly every relationship that I have been in, I have used this to fill a void that I was missing.  When that person began to pull away or not want to be with me anymore, I would end up degrading myself by using sex to keep that person.  To feel something.  Surely if they do this with me, they love me right?  Wrong.  Something that used to be so sacred to me I have just thrown away on men who really didn’t deserve it.  Don’t get me wrong I haven’t had that many partners but one is enough when it comes to this.  Even the most recent man that I was seeing I used this. Somehow you don’t even think about it, you just do it.  You want so badly for that person to love you that you compromise everything that you value.  Even yourself.  You desperately want to be touched that you settle for something dirty.  I lost my virginity when I was 30 and even as I type that out, it sounds very immature. I have experienced all of my “firsts” as an adult.  I have treated something so beautiful horribly and made it trash. And shall I say that most men (not all) are willing participants.

Not only does this harm me physically but spiritually.  I carry this around with me everyday like a backpack filled with rocks.  Heavy ones.  Everyday. 

 

2.  Food.  Something that I know most people can relate to…….. over-eating.  When things in my life feel very out of control, I can always control food.  Happy, eat.  Bored, eat.  Stressed, eat.  Depressed, eat.  Feel alone, eat.  Lonely, eat.  All of which can result in weight-gain, depression, fatigue, and illness. For me, when this takes place, my body tends to crave the bad stuff and then it becomes this endless cycle of eating junk and nothing healthy.  

 

3.  Exercising.  I can remember when I discovered the fact that I loved to workout.  There is something about the way you feel when you are finished that is so great!  But I have also been known to do too much.  As I age, I have noticed that I am more apt to get an injury or jacked muscle when it comes to working out,  especially when my diet is off. 

 

4.  Spending.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would struggle with money.  I don’t have bad credit or anything but man there have been many times that I have purchased something that I really didn’t need only to feel so much guilt and shame over it later. 

 

5.  Interfering with healing.  Sadly this one is more embarrassing to me than the whole sex thing.  If I have a sore, especially a small one, I will pick it to death.  Sounds weird I know, but it’s the truth.  There is something that actually happens when I do it.  I feel something.   A release of sorts.  Sounds even weirder I know.  I have had a place that has been on my body since last March because I won’t leave it alone. Time and time again I’ll go to it out of habit and just pick.  It’s embarrassing and gross and frankly something I didn’t think that I would even admit or tell someone about. 

 

Here is the definition of self-harm:

The act of hurting one self deliberately.  Causing harm or to injure. 

Intentional

Wounding

Impulsive

Punishment

 

There you have it.

I didn’t share these things to make you look at me differently nor did I share them because I love to share.  I think that we are so afraid to share the ugly, hard stuff that we hold all of this inside and let me tell ya, it has to come out somehow, someway.  All of these things, in some way, has damaged me and most importantly damaged my relationship with Christ. 

Because my relationship with Him isn’t right, I have allowed these things to run my life. 

 

This past Sunday I walked away from the sermon with this.  Repent. 

The conversation with my brother.  Repent.

To be able to move forward and let go of these things, I must seek forgiveness. 

I must also forgive myself.

 

 

 

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Emma makes me smile.

 

It’s my birthday today and I am officially in the 40 club.  🙂

But as I end this post, I feel very thankful. 

Thankful for my family and thankful for you.

But most of all, thankful for God’s unending love, mercy and grace.

 

🙂

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5 responses to “Self Harm

  1. Kelli says:

    Brandi, you have a beautiful soul. Happy Birthday! Believe me when I say life begins at 40! I’m seven years in, and truly believe these years are incredibly empowering. I think God gives us a new type of vision in our forties, perhaps to make up for that vision that we are losing…those letters will keep getting smaller and smaller. 🙂
    It’s scary to challenge thought processes and patterns you have had for so many years, but it’s necessary to get to the truth. I caution you to not fall into a pattern of self blame, or allowing a sense of guilt be your navigation tool. God is love. If he brings things into our vision that are broken, I believe it is because he desires for us to see and love ourselves as much as he loves us. We are his precious loves, and all the honing and refining are gifts to us that we may love ourselves as he does. Sex, eating, exercising…all these fabulous things that we do with our bodies were created by Him. It is his joy for us to feel pleasure. Can we overdue, misuse, and abuse? Absolutely. Why do we do these things? I wish the answers were simple, but they hardly ever are. Be patient with yourself always, because his timing is perfect. Always remain open. Open to change, open to love, open to see the beauty in yourself he is teaching you to love. Get ready, girlie! The forties are an incredible ride!

  2. Brenda says:

    Brandi, life is not easy as a Christian because Satan knows he can drudge up our past life and cause it to interfere with our present. It’s a constant battle, but we have to remember that God created us, loves us, and cares about what we are going through. I think that often times, we are too hard on ourselves because we think we have to be perfect. If we don’t stay close to Him, Satan will try to destroy us any way he can. I know from experience, that it’s not always easy to remember that God forgets the ugly if we have asked forgiveness. Sometimes, all I can say is “God please help me”. Love you and will keep you in my prayers!!!

  3. I think it was really brave of you to share all of the stuff. I think we all struggle with self harm and one where another. I have an immensely obsessive personality. I’m either all or nothing. I take things to the extreme. If I’m working out then I’m working out every day sometimes twice a day. When I’m not working out I’m binging on peanut butter in the kitchen (I’m talking half a jar in one sitting!) I have really struggled with negative self talk over the past couple of years. By the grace of God it went away during pregnancy (or at least it didn’t appear as often as it used to) but now that I’m almost 3 months postpartum and I don’t look exactly the way that I used to, I have those negative thoughts filling and bombarding my head. I realize that God doesn’t want this for my life and I need to set a good example for Charlotte. How can I know those two truths and still treat myself with such disrespect? I feel like I’ve had a lot of revelation in the last handful of days but this is going to be a process that I need to work through. I think for any and all of those things that you mentioned we just need to keep going back to the cross and remembering that we have found grace. I know its easier said than done- but know that you aren’t alone in your struggles! ❤

  4. PS- sorry if some of this doesn’t make sense. I’m using the talk to text feature on my phone 🙂

  5. Tricia says:

    By this post you have already took a step in the right direction. I’m a little late in getting caught up with my favorite blogs but I don’t want to miss yours because you are so real! It took a lot to write all that down and even more to post it. You inspire me in many ways 🙂

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