Faith Fitness and Laughter

A Roller Coaster

on May 29, 2016

Last night when I went to bed I knew that when I woke up this morning, I wanted to be ready to make some changes in my life.  I feel like I’m on this roller coaster when it comes to my personal life.  Can I get off now?  I am so tired of allowing men to shape how I view myself.

Inside and out.

 

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What is it in me that is so lacking that I feel the need for a man to define me?

I have never been in a healthy relationship and at this point, I am not sure I would even recognize one.  I can’t even recognize what’s ok and what’s not ok in a relationship.  I went the hard and difficult way to find out that sex, is not love.

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I turn myself inside out trying to please that person and literally become who they want.  How is that right?  Or fair?

 

I want so badly to be healthy not just on the outside, but in my heart and thought process.  Over the last few months I have been called; fat, crazy, victim, petty, fake, dumb a**.  I’ve even been told that I have a screw loose. 

And these are just words to my face.

Spoken by more than one person.

Some of them out of my own mouth.

 

How are these words ok?

And I am not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me.  Don’t.

I am not perfect and I have done things that are wrong and horrible.

 

How do you get up out of bed each day with these words weighing you down.  I can tell you that sometimes, it really difficult.  Some days, it seems impossible.

 

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I long for a husband and partner to be with, but what if it never happens?  I have to be okay with that.  I’m just not sure if the process of accepting it is something I can pull off with grace and dignity.

I am so insecure when it comes to men that when they aren’t interested in being with me, the rejection I feel is crippling.  My fear is that the wall I have surrounded myself with to keep from getting hurt will cause me to miss out on something wonderful.

 

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I have learned that every season that we go through, God is right there with us. 

Every season is different and sometimes really difficult.

The dark night of the soul can last days, weeks, months, or even years. 

My value doesn’t come from any earthly thing.

It’s okay to not be okay.

 

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2 responses to “A Roller Coaster

  1. katemovingforward1234 says:

    Praying for you sweet lady! You are a blessing and encouragement to me. Keep pressing into Jesus on the journey. ❤

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